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Text File | 1989-04-27 | 37KB | 611 lines

__________ __________ _________ ________ |_______ | | ______| | _____ \ | ____ | / / | [____ | | \ \ | | || / / | ____| | \_____/ | | | / / | [______ | __ ___/ | | ||| / / |________| | / \ \ | |___|| / / |_/ \_\ |______| __ / /__________________________________________________] \ | \ |______________________________________________________ / ]_/ The Textfile of Lore Written by Mike Shapiro (C) 8742 Zerg Adventurers' Guild (Corresponds to Game Version: 1.0) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I N T R O D U C T I O N * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The Zerg Tourists Guild extends the most fervent welcome to any soul who would journey in our humble world, and in a tax-deductible fit of altruism, we have published this guide for your exploratory pleasure. Heed its words well, oh noble adventurer, lest your carcass rot in the gullets of the less culinarily discriminating denizens of our fair land. Read on, adventurer! And learn... PART ONE: THE WORLD OF ZERG Zerg is a fantastic and magical world, spanning endless leagues full of idyllic wilderness, the surface of which Mankind has truly only scratched, owing both to Zerg's inherent dangers, and Man's inherent incompetence. Indeed, as the elvish Tralbinorian philosopher Meraedin sagaciously observed in the days of yore, "Methinks it a rare and oft amusing circumstance when a Human doth succeed in distinguishing 'twixt his face and his posterior." Yet despite petty squabbles, political wars that have decimated entire towns, disease, starvation, hostile magic, and roving bands of monsters that plague the various lands, Mankind still manages to build towns, establish armies, form factional governments, and generally attempt to civilize things. There are many different kingdoms spread around the continents of Zerg, each with its own cities, towns, dungeons, characteristics, and population. Each shall be dealt with individually anon. No one emperor has managed to establish himself as Overlord of all the various nations since the days of Kvileek the Auspicious of Sparadan, although many have tried. The state of affairs between kingdoms varies from cordial goodwill to cordial war, and many adventurers owe their fame to the peculiarities of Customs at the frontier of certain kingdoms alone. PART TWO: THE GEOGRAPHY OF ZERG An uprising adventurer should verily familiarize his, her, or itself with the various types of terrain in our pleasant world. Water - The oceans are just full of this stuff, and the torrential waves of the Three Seas have seen the demise of many well- stocked merchant vessels. No man has crossed any large body of water unaided, which is damned obvious, methinks. Grass - The knotty green carpet that blankets many of the kingdoms is easy travel, and serves as grazing material for one's mount, as well as other offices, which has seen the ruination of many a pair of adventurer's boots. Light Brush - Denser than grass, but only a moderate impediment to open travel, the thick under and overgrowth of Zerg houses a variety of specimens of wildlife, most of which are too small to be of notice. Forest - Many adventurers have lost their way amongst these tall, shady oaks, which is a good indication of the intelligence of the average adventurer, for the trees that comprise the wild forests of Zerg tend to be scanty and sparse, save in certain regions well-suited for the growth of flora. Mountains - Impassable for all but the most rugged of Trolls, who make their homes in these airy peaks, the Mountains of Zerg make convenient natural boundaries for many kingdoms. Lakes - Home to many inland freshwater fish, the lakes of Zerg are serene and undisturbed by the tides. Some lakes, such as Lake Forinthia, located in southeastern Durollinae, are notorious tourist traps. PART THREE: THE INHABITANTS OF ZERG While the type and size of a given populace will vary from kingdom to kingdom, the stock of intelligent life on Zerg has been systematically analyzed and categorized. Note that the humans and humanoid races tend to classify living things as either People or Monsters, whilst the monsters themselves classify beings as either Other Monsters or Food. Using the classification system developed in 8122 by the biologist Tailailio of Tralbinor, we shall briefly look at each type of known race. HUMANOID RACES: Humanoid races all share the same general appearance - two arms, two legs, upright stature, prehensile thumb, and other traits - although they come from radically divergent evolutionary origins. That the grouping is called "humanoid" is an irony, when one considers that the humanity is the youngest of these races. The name in all likelihood owes to the fact that the author of the Tailailioan system was a human. Humans - The first recorded human sighting occurred in the year 7201, according to elvish textbooks, and since then this relatively young enterprising race has managed to pervade all but the most hostile areas of Zerg. Humans are strong, arguably intelligent, and largely considered to smell unpleasant. It is virtually impossible to travel in Zerg without encountering humans or their settlements, and most intelligent creatures know human as a second language. Elves - Last of the ancient Elder Races, the elvish people differ from their human counterparts in being on the whole much slighter of build, more intelligent, and in possession of a sense of tact. Sometimes reaching a thousand years of age, the typical elf's natural agility and magical aptitude lend themselves to making him an excellent spellcaster, and few mages' guilds discriminate against elves in their admissions procedures. Dwarves - Thought until the advent of Parsollian Biology to be a diminutive mutation of the Gosakk'l Elder Race (long since disappeared), the dwarves tend to be short of height and temperament, and prone to fits of fervid dourness. Few dwarves engage on adventures, or other pursuits outside their small hilly communities. Halflings - Called hobbits until the Great Tolkien Lawsuit of 8244, these stout, diminutive (3 feet tall on the average - slightly smaller than the average dwarf) and often mischievous folk are contemporarily known as "the little people", "brownies", or, more accurately, "gluttonous little rats". They are often mistaken for gnomes, a fact the latter resents keenly. Most halflings live peaceful, rustic lives, and the more industrious ones will serve on human manors as farm managers. INHUMANOID RACES: The term "inhumanoid" is a loose classification that pretty much encompasses all known intelligent, non-humanoid (note that most inhumanoids hold that the two preceding adjectives are mutually inclusive) non-magical, four-limbed races that populate the kingdoms of Zerg. Many are generally hostile to humans and their ilk, and are generally not considered good people to hire as babysitters. Kobolds - Cunning, intelligent, ferocious, and adept at most forms of hand-to-hand warfare these creatures are not at all. In fact, were it not for their natural speed and general propensity not to attack creatures who aren't tied up and asleep, it is dubious that the world would know the mischief of a single kobold today. Kobolds are pack-oriented, and usually attack as ambush squads, pelting unwary travellers with stones and verbal abuse from above before dropping in for the cul-de-sac. Physically, they resemble extremely short and thin scaled elves or humans, with prehensile tails and vaguely canine faces. They carry little gold or treasure, not being intellect- ually advanced enough to have a grasping of the concept of economics, and often wonder what the big fuss is about. Orcs - It is a tribute to the minds of the orcish race that they have relentlessly avoided extinction despite being the butt of the violent aggressions of adventurers in nearly every fantasy role-playing game known, yet despite this orcs remain almost distressingly stupid. Tall, strong, brutish creatures with the strength of an ox and minds to match, they are often employed by evil human warlords as soldiers, due to their inability to grasp the concept of death. (Indeed, the armies of Forzin of Gondrick's Continental Crusade were almost entirely composed of orcish regulars, and were sadly obliterated by the superior Sparadan forces.) Goblins - Although not terribly strong, or bright, goblins have a high population, and therefore manage to survive and propagate the kingdoms of Zerg in spite of their physical inferiorities. Goblins are short in stature (about as high as dwarves) and survive primarily in nomadic tribes. They are most common in plains or area of light forest. Hobgoblins - Somewhat bigger, meaner, and less pleasant to talk to than conventional goblins, Hobgoblins will often bully their lesser cousins, and are viewed by the latter with slightly less warmth than are dead skunks (who at least are considered to have some culinary value). Ogres - The only challenges to the widely-held view that the orc is the least intelligent of all species of Zerg, ogres stand at least 10 feet tall, and are fierce foes in battle. Iracundulous and belligerent, ogres will attack humans on sight, along with anything else. Being extremely ravenous by nature, an ogre will generally attempt to eat anything that looks vaguely organic, a definition which sadly includes trees. A traveller visiting the forests of the Dierian province of Chork can often admire a variety of interesting art sculptures which are actually nothing more than Toopa trees that have been more aesthetic- ally mauled by hungry ogres. Giants - Sluggish and dim-witted, giants are simply humanoids who, through some strange hormonal imbalance, achieve heights averaging from anywhere from 30 to 200 feet tall. They are not a true race among them- selves, and thankfully cannot reproduce, yet appear frequently, and share common characteristics that are presumably side-effects of their wretched state. They are of incredibly slow metabolish, and typically awkward, and therefore easily evaded. Still, when provoked, a more powerful giant can level a small village within seconds. Many survivors of the obliterated town Collindamaine will attest to the might of giants. MONSTERS: The generic term "monster", (deriving from the Old Elvish word "monestaeri", which roughly means "he who inspires rapid flight") was applied to inhumanoids as well as members of certain nationalities that bathed irregularly, but was restricted to signify those living creatures that did not classify as humanoid or nonhumanoid under the Tailailioan system. Trolls - These horrible creatures should be avoided at all cost, and were it not for their scarcity and natural reclusiveness, the entirety of Zerg would likely serve as one big troll dinner plate. Described by one famous sage as "thin and rubbery", trolls have a characteristic immunity to all but the nastiest weapons, fire, and certain spells. They furthermore possess the power of Regeneration, and can grow back a severed limb within minutes, or shrug off a sword's welt within seconds as it closes on its own accord. Highly intelligent, they are often employed by lesser demons as advisors, servants, or accountants. Gargoyles - Creatures of magic, extremely fierce and intelligent, gargoyles are presumed to derive from a lesser stock of demons. When not engaged in their odious practices, they sometimes assume a characteristic frozen stance that often leads unwary adventurers into the false assumption that they are statues. This is ostensibly just fine with gargoyles, who enjoy a crunchy human from time to time to supplement their diet of tortured ethereal souls. Demons - Supernatural denizens of the netherworld, these ghastly creatures hail from regions such as Hell, Hades, Tartarus, and Chicago. Entire platoons have been known to turn and scamper for home at the terrible sight of an angry demon. They possess magical abilities that have baffled the most learned of sages, and are impervious to all but the mightiest of forces. They are extremely rare on this plane of existence, popping by only for brief, purposeful missions of diabolical nature before fading into the ether of their own universe. Dragons - It is a queer fact that the mightiest of creatures - the dreaded dragons - are not of supernatural origin, but are quite native to Zerg. Dragons are an ancient and majestic race with a history dating back to the dawn of time (and thus are more closely related to the elvish peoples than others), and indeed, those few dragons that roam Zerg today are often centuries old. The numerous tales of valiant warriors infiltrating the lairs of dragons, slaying their occupants, and making off with their considerable bounty, and perhaps a fair maiden or two, are little more than ravings of warped imaginations. Dragons are simply not to be trifled with, period. Valiant warriors? Valiant ARMIES often can't put a dent in the armored hide of a dragon, and a dragon can decimate large cities with a geyser of flame from its mouth (as did the dragon Greymaxanan to the Jerian city Tei Alinoe in 8230). The intellect of a dragon will dwarf all others' save the greatest of demon lords, who do not venture onto this plane, and thus they can be considered the most intelligent creatures on Zerg. Trying to trick a dragon is the next idiotic thing to attacking one. Still, mighty wizards under great magical protection occasionally beg a dragon for its council on some pertinent matter, and a dragon will often comply, when offered sufficient treasure to compensate for the bother of speaking to such insignificant creatures. (It is said that dragons not only know the meaning to life, but are bored by it.) Dragons are by nature utterly self- interested, shrugging off concepts like good and evil as the pathetic propensities of insects. Dragons have a fondness for treasure - gems in particular - although it is generally not known why. Fortunately for everybody else, dragons are extremely few in number, and their locations are carefully kept track of by most kings, who insure that dragons and their territories are given a wide berth. PART FOUR: THE KINGDOMS OF ZERG The kingdoms of Zerg are organized societies in which people may co- habitate with somewhat less the amount of conflict, deceit, corruption, and outright war than do those residing in different kingdoms. The forms of government and histories of the kingdoms vary so widely that another section of this Textfile is given to that discussion. As of this publication, over thirty different kingdoms are known to exist. There are, however, certain institutions that are common even amongst greatly differing cities, and a prospective adventurer would best familiarize his or herself with them. Homes - Ranging from weather-beaten hovels to the most elegant of mansions, public and private housing for the lower classes is a feature of nearly every city (save some in Sparadan, where lodgings are under the jurisdiction of the military). Residents will sometimes welcome news from the outside world, and an adventurer might even be offered shelter for a night in exchange for some inter-kingdom gossip. Taverns/Pubs - The number #1 form of recreation in most cities (for adult males, in any event) seems to be the spending of many an hour in these hostels of crapulence and inebriation. 'Twould seem that the corollary arts of imbibing much ale, singing loudly, hurling epithets, and the gradual loss of consciousness are of no slight popularity either. During the less dipsomaniacal hours of the day, however, one may obtain food and drink in such establishments, and often some local gossip from a loquacious bartender as well. Weaponsmiths - Here one may purchase with one's hard-earned gold the tools of the delicate art of Slaughtering Others. While the quality, price, and assortment of weapons will vary from locale to locale, one can generally sell his used arms of any type in such establishments (albeit for a lesser price.) Armories - When in the midst of battle, many an adventurer will ask of himself why so many arrows seem to be protruding from his back, and why the orcish swords seem to be cleaving apart his torso like butter. Had he purchased a suit of protective armor from a local armory, chances are he would not be in such a plight. Do yourself a favor and preserve your paltry existence with some form of protection, purchasable in such places. Healers - Ranging from professional magiphysicians who can raise the dead with a thought to primitive witch doctors who more often than not make the afflicted's condition more severe, healers are nonetheless excellent finds for the forlorn adventurer with one too many lacerations from poisoned arrows in his abdominal region. In relieving you of your injuries, healers are equally inclined to relieve your purse of much of its weight, and paupers are scoffed at vociferously by this parsimonious creed. General Stores - While most of the fare vended at such establishments are mundane, domestic things, and useless to the average adventurer, there are often many items of genuine value as well. A well-stocked general store may have magical items of minor power for sale as well. Banks - Excellent places of residence for the adventurer's excess accumulations of cash, the major banks have outlets in many cities, and often in different kingdoms as well. Some of the wealthier banks offer hearty interest upon their investments. Many will often lend money as well, but it is good to keep in mind that usury has only been abolished in the kingdom of Dieria. Guilds - Rumored to exist in dense cities, these infamous coalitions of thieves and brigands reputedly exert more than a moderate influence upon many local governments. Reputedly, much information can be gathered at such establishments as well. For a price... Inns - These comfortable hostels tend to afford one excellent shelter from the various elements, and often sport a pub or tavern as well. Beds should be inspected for lice, however. PART FIVE: COMMON PROFESSIONS While the populace of the various kingdoms enjoy many different positions and professions, there are again many which are axiomatically common to most cities, and therefore, the Zergian traveller should well acquaint oneself with them. Adventurers - Stalwart souls like yourself, sharing your love for the unknown, disturbing inclination towards danger, and tendency towards early death. Adventurers range from trembling neophytes taking their first steps in a new kingdom to jaded trollsquashers bearing magical treasures beyond imagination, and seething with useful information. Adventurers in general tend to rarely taste solvency, and a heavy purse will oftentimes elicit heavy talk. Fighters - Specializing in the fine art of Slaughter- ing Others, fighters are adventurers skilled with arms and armor. Like all adventurers, many have stepped down the dark path of Evil, and attack travellers for their treasure, or for their own pleasure. Mages - Embittered by years of gruelling study at some thaumaturgical university, the mage who has decided to forego sensibility and become an adventurer is indeed putting his formidable skills in the Magical Arts to unorthodox use. Most mages typically settle down, establish laboratories, guilds, or medical establishments. Guards - Keepers of the peace and justice as interpreted by the local monarch, or whoever fills their purses, these warriors tend to be well-trained and taciturn. The wealthier cities will hire guards of Sparadan stock, who are incorruptible and possess a discipline unrivaled by those of other kingdoms. Merchants - Ah, the heart of nearly every civilized state - the bourgeoisie! Ranging from simple peddlers to world-famous financial entrepreneurs, it is the financially active middle class that serves as the lifeblood of the more politically advanced kingdoms. Peasants - The mainstream populace of many cities and towns is comprised primarily of these hardworking souls, ranging from the prosperous small farmers of rural Ontego to the impoverished serfs of feudal Golforham. Typically agriculturally-oriented, peasants will often supply a friendly adventurer with valuable information not gleanable from other sources. Thieves - Sometimes harmless village idiots, sometimes devious tricksters who pickpocket the elderly and deranged, sometimes warlike brigands who roam the countryside in search of prey, thieves are viewed by most others in the same sphere of preference as some of the more deforming pestilences, and oftentimes city guards will amuse themselves devising pretexts upon which they can hunt down a lone thief and bathe him in his own blood. (This auspicious event is less commonplace than one would think, owing to the typical intelligence of guards, and their resulting inability to formulate any such schemes.) Nobles - Be they the powerful, landed aristocracy of Golforham, or the powerless, incompetent slobs of the old Dierian provinces, nobles of all kingdoms share a common set of distinguishable personality traits: overwhelming arrogance, sneering aloofness, nigh-obsessive materialism, and a patronizing contempt for anyone of lesser birth. In the more advanced kingdoms, these hereditary bluebloods have little or no influence upon governmental affairs, but in almost all cases are descended from ancient lineages of dominating lords or semikings. Most find condescension a fine substitute for the intelligence that years of inbreeding has robbed the majority of this ilk, and amuse themselves with their fantastic wealth. Nobles are generally deemed, particularly in times of war or famine, an expendable part of society, and often serve as scapegoats during peasant uprisings. The richer nobles maintain luxurious manors, often with private armies (typically comprised of orcish mercenaries). Officials - Bureaucrats, diplomats, and other such governmental white-helmet workers all fall under this broad category. The actual involvement of a given class of officials depends entirely upon the form of government under which they work. Officials tend to have little knowledge of local matters, but are usually familiar with the current state of inter-kingdom relations and may have some political wisdom to impart upon the inquisitive adventurer. Minstrels - Also called bards, troubadours, or less flattering names, the musically inclined may glean great enjoyment from listening to the tunes of these wandering musicians, and the politer adventurer may throw a few coins into the hat of a minstrel who imparts such harmonic delight. As they tend to remain in a city only as long as it takes the city officials to write a warrant for their arrest, they move from kingdom to kingdom quite rapidly, and accumulate much interesting knowledge in their journeys. Kings - Some of the monarchs of the kingdoms of Zerg are wise, and some are not. Some are compassionate and dedicate themselves to the welfare of their nations, while others think only to fill their pockets with everything that will fit. Kings in general tend to be materialistic, self-righteous, gluttonous pigs, but there is a smattering of intelligence amongst the bluebloods, and the wise adventurer is advised to seek an audience with his local monarch. PART SIX: KINGDOM PROFILES Since the more courageous adventurer will not restrict his exploits to any one kingdom, we present here an abbreviated list of some of the more important kingdoms, and a smattering of their history. All population data is from the 8721 Census, whose accuracy has been questioned upon many an occasion. The "minority" field is a percentage of non-human humanoids known to reside in the kingdom. "Ruler", where appropriate, will list the principal figure of governmental power. "Income" is the average yearly per capita in gold pieces among the working class and farmers (if any exist). Name: Dieria Ruler: Lord Greenham Yiddish Government: Disrepresentative idiocracy Population: 2,234,926 Minority: 15 % Size: 215 l. Income: 124 gp. Post-revolutionary Dieria has rapidly replaced Jeria as the economic hub and trade center of Zerg. Extremely small in size, Dieria is a small island in the midst of the Northeast Sea and strategically placed in proximity to many other of the large nations. The Dierian island capital, Scumford, is bustling with merchants, sailors, free traders, and other such worldly persons. Dieria's history is one of an ongoing conflict between the middle class free-traders, and the imperialistic nobles of the older Northern Provinces. For hundreds of years, the nation's economy sagged due to the unwillingness of the nobility to pay any taxes or relinquish their feudal dues and priv- eleges, and Dieria was an incessant target for invasion by other nations (from 7923 to 8103 Dieria was a territory of Sparadan). With the death of the last of the noble-dominated Araesius line of kings, the Derian trader Jermias Denchri led peasants and middle-class into the Revolution of 8644, and established the country's current form of government. With the collapse of Jeria in 8457, Dieria rose to power as the leading trade center of Zerg, and remains the most prosperous, wealthy kingdom in the world. Dieria today is theoretically ruled by a body of officials representing the various Provinces and the vestigial remainder of the noble lineage, but in reality power hails from Scumford, not Ardon, where an assembly of the nation's most wealthy merchants decides social and political policy for the nation on a yearly basis. Internal development and infrastructure is under the auspices of various wealthy merchant lords, and generally is more efficient and expedient than most conventional governments. Uprisings or internal strife are very rare, and usually controlled by private armies and organizations. While there is then an extremely weak official central government, national stability tends to remain extremely high. Laissez-faire (an obscure Elvish term meaning "let it be") is the law of the land in Dieria. The official government was deliberately constructed by the middle class of the Revolution to be weak and inefficient, and not to obstruct free trade. There are thus not only no tariffs or duties on imports and exports, but no taxes whatsoever, facts that helped Dieria skyrocket to its present position of center of commerce. Traders and merchants of all sizes, kinds, and creeds reside in Scumford, and a man make amass a fortune or lose his life's savings within hours in the frenzied interactions. A merchant who knows his business can easily rake incredible profits on a brief trip to Dieria. One of the reasons that political conflict among merchants is so rare is because they are loathe to take their attentions away from business for more than a few weeks, and that any gain won through such an altercation would hardly rival that gleaned from the same amount of time spent on trading. This fact has saved post-Revolutionary Dieria from military conquest time and time again -- invading armies usually disband to sell their arms and armor for unimaginable profits, then return to their homeland to fetch more. Thus are most visitors to Dieria absorbed in the thriving economy. The rural Southern Provinces on the mainland are generally occupied by small, land-owning farmers who make a comfortable living supplying Scumford and the other large cities with their produce. NOTE: The rest of this document was accidentally obliterated during an office party in which the remaining forty pages were accidentally used to clean the vomit of one of the intoxicated senior Editors. We apologize for the inconvenience and promise the return of the missing portion by the next printing of this document. - The Zerg Tourists Guild Printing Press